Unashamed Desire: The Stigma Christian Women Face For Wanting Marriage

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Over the past 11 to 12 years, I’ve navigated the single and dating landscape, gaining invaluable insights. My journey has instilled a deep desire to advocate for singles who often feel overlooked, unseen, and forgotten. I’ve realized that every experience, whether challenging or not, has shaped me into a resilient and strong individual.

For many years, I have been vocal on social media about my singleness and abstinence journey. While most of the conversations stemming from my openness have been positive, I have also encountered several negative experiences, primarily with married women. One instance that stands out is when a married person questioned my decision to remain single, implying that I was ‘missing out’ on life.

Marriage is often viewed as the ultimate prize for a woman, with the status of being married seen as the highest title one can achieve. This perspective has led to many conversations with married women that felt demeaning and undermining. It felt like these women said, ‘I have completed a certain level of success, and I must now share with you what you need to do to do the same,’ without verbalizing that. Although I am aware of misconceptions about marriage, these conversations felt very isolating. I would untangle these misconceptions in many of them and provide a voice for the voiceless single woman, advocating for their desires and experiences to be acknowledged and respected.

“Two things can exist at the same time” is a quote I remember from an old friend that was incredibly liberating. We often feel the need to choose one thought or emotion over another, but in reality, they can coexist and be equally valid. The stigma surrounding my desire for marriage became more and more evident as I had these conversations with married women. Some conversations were prompted by me vulnerably expressing my desire for marriage. I was often met with some variation of the following: “You should be focusing on you,” “Marriage takes a lot of work,” “Marriage is not what it seems (you think it is)’, “Enjoy your time now.” As a single woman, I often left feeling that I was ignorant of marriage and its complexities; I didn’t know what I was desiring and that I should submit my desires to their truths. The truth was, I could be both fully aware of the complexities of marriage and still have a desire. Understanding and empathy are crucial in these conversations, allowing for a more compassionate and respectful exchange of perspectives.

Parallel to this was the stigma that there was something inherently wrong with my desire for marriage. This dual stigma not only invalidated my feelings but also perpetuated the idea that wanting marriage was somehow flawed or misguided. By addressing these misconceptions, I want to create a space where singles can feel empowered to embrace their desires without judgment.

There is a pressing need for education on how married people speak to single women. Singleness, especially over 30, is a very vulnerable space to be in when you desire marriage but haven’t yet been wed. Beyond addressing the truth that being unmarried does not make us any less of a woman or less desirable, we need to emphasize the importance of creating safe spaces for married and single women to converse openly and respectfully. These conversations can foster a sense of unity and inclusivity, bridging the gap between the experiences of single and married women.

Sade Solomon is a NYC-based social media personality and multi-hyphenate creator who boldly and fashionably ignites authentic and candid conversations on topics surrounding intercourse, singleness, and abstinence. After embarking on her journey of abstinence in 2013, Sade began openly sharing her life-changing commitment on various online platforms while enlightening and inspiring many through her journey. In her book, Ready, Set, Wait, Sade peels back the layers of truth about navigating singleness and abstinence as a single Christian woman. Her work and commentary have been featured by Good Morning America, Harper’s Bazaar, Essence, Black Love, and XO Necole.

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